How to deal with a-holes
This might not seem like the most enlightened question, yet it’s one I get a lot from members of my community. Especially with the coronavirus, people are scared and when we’re scared, we leave our heart, we’re triggered by our emotions, leave the intelligence of the prefrontal cortex that allow for abstract creative thinking and instead we’re sent into a fight, flight or freeze response.
Thus the a-hole.
Or we BECOME that a-hole 😉
One way to deal with an a-hole is to feed them what they’re hungry for… affirm that they’re right, the best, the winner, dominant, in charge… say it matter of factly. No exaggeration or dramatization. Not like you’re placating them. Just like the sky is blue and they are right. Let go of YOUR need to be right and just let them win.
Second, many people say just ignore them… let’s be aware here. Most of us confuse avoiding with ignoring. Avoiding is when you use energy trying really hard NOT to let them bother you… which bothers you! True honest authentic ignoring is literally not letting their behavior matter. Like whatever. Honestly no big thing. Like oh, I’m out of eggs. No big thing. Thus you don’t give your power away whatsoever to the a-hole and use your energy to focus on what does delight you.
Bottom line is that resistance is your downfall. Don’t let them irritate you or you’ll give away your power. Either feed them or ‘talk to the hand.’ That way you are empowered to create a reality beyond their behaviors.
Lastly, what do you do if you discover YOU have become the a-hole? People are consistently pulling away, rejecting you, getting mad at you, calling you mean, righteous, controlling, dominating or a know it all? First, take a breath and become the observer. Do you best not to justify or give excuses or reasons for your behavior. Go for a walk with this part of you you’re observing. Start a dialogue. Get curious. Honor this part of you. Feel its feelings right alongside it. Be it’s a non-judgmental unconditionally loving friend. Like going for a walk with an Angel and Big You is the Angel talking to the potential a-hole part of you.
If you truly listen without seeking to fix, change or judge this part… it will talk. It might share that it feels unappreciated, undervalued, downright terrified, betrayed or used, miffed or sad. Just listen. Acknowledge. Seek to understand more and more… never seek to fix. Just GET this part of you. This way of being with yourself will instantly calm you down and provide great insight into what’s going on at the core.
You may discover that an a-hole is behaving that way because it wants to be safe from another person hurting them. Or it wants to look confident so it gets the girl or the promotion. You and I both know that being an a-hole is the surest way NOT to feel safe because pretty soon you’re going to be all alone! Yet just acknowledge it’s motivation. Develop compassion and empathy. This part of you is just doing it’s best to survive.
To THRIVE it will be time to not just discover this blindspot but breakthrough it in a lasting way by integrating and equilibrating your emotional charge stuck in your body and being. A good attitude isn’t enough. Nor are 10 more affirmations or a vision board. While all of those are helpful, nothing will provide lasting change, permanent healing AND the evolution of your soul into one of presence, courage, compassion, and grace until you process your emotions all the way home.
A great way to start is discovering your Intimacy Blindspot so you can breakthrough. I invite you to go to www. AllanaPratt.com/quiz now and be one step closer to having thriving intimate relationships. Be sure to lovingly suggest any a-holes you know to check it out as well… do so with compassion for everyone that has that capacity inside. No one is any better than anyone else, just different.
I’ve got your back.
Huge love, Allana xoox
Written by Allana Pratt 17 March 2019
Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt is a global media personality and go-to authority for those who have suffered heartbreak and are ready to live unapologetically and attract an open-hearted, ideal relationship.
Her vulnerability and courage landed her a featured weekly column on the GoodMenProject, featured as an Icon of Influence, and as a Guest Expert on Huffington Post, People Magazine, Forbes, CBS & FOX, and The Jenny McCarthy Show.
This Ivy League grad is the Author of 4 books, has interviewed Whoopi Goldberg and Alanis Morissette, and Hosts the edgy Podcast “Intimate Conversations” where listeners learn how to find the relationship they deserve. A certified coach, Allana was asked by Leeza Gibbons to coach her during Dancing with the Stars. With close to 5 million viewers on YouTube, Allana supports non-profits like ‘Rise of the Butterfly’ to end human trafficking while offering private coaching and retreats so that her clients have a thriving intimate relationship with themselves first, which naturally attracts and enhances their ideal partnerships.