Unrealistic Expectations in a Relationship
Jody was a stay-at-home mum and loved raising her children, organizing the home and everything to do with family, social and home-life. Her husband on the other hand, was a successful businessman who often travelled and could be away for weeks at a time. Over the years, she felt they had drifted apart. Their communication had become sparse. In fact, rather than having dialogues, it was painfully obvious they were just having monologues with themselves.Years passed and the distance between them grew wider. She no longer appreciated her husband. When he later lost his job and no longer earned what she felt he SHOULD be earning, she resented him even more. She felt he had lost his attractiveness; he didn’t take care of his teeth-they were discolored, he dressed shoddily, his shoes were unpolished and worn out. Whenever they went out for a coffee or a meal, he would tell her he didn’t have any money and she would have to pay. Eventually they had grown so far apart, they began sleeping in separate bedrooms.He eventually found a new job and they relocated to yet another town where she didn’t know anyone. The feeling of isolation took its toll. Her children were older now and able to get to school by themselves. She would often spend days not speaking to anyone and the weight of “playing happy” for the sake of the children when they returned from school was almost too much to bear. She could not fight the mental anguish as she pondered where her husband was during his business travels and with whom. She’d already had a “wake up call” in the past about his infidelity.One afternoon at the computer she found herself thinking, “enough is enough… I have desires and needs too!” She was feeling unappreciated and longed for those days of intimacy, connection and shared interests with a man, like she’d had in the past with her husband. And that’s when it all began.She met several men online and became so addicted to these “virtual friends” she began to fantasize about relationships with them. One in particular, a man who lived abroad, captured her fancy.She couldn’t get this new man out of her mind. She focused less and less on her husband, with hardly any appreciative thought his way. Eventually Jody planned to meet this virtual friend in person. She told her husband she was going to meet her friend overseas, booked the flight and off she went. Jody was fearful and excited at the same time. Fearful because she didn’t really know this man, and excited because she felt “like a young woman again on her first date.”Jody had flown abroad and arranged a place to stay for the first two nights, then was to meet her “friend” – let’s call him Tom. She assumed that Tom would take care of their accommodation. Then, the night before they were supposed to meet, he called and cancelled everything saying he had work “commitments.” Sheer panic! It felt like a punch in the stomach, and she had no idea what to do. She was in a foreign country with nowhere to stay. Finally, her husband made some phone calls and managed to find her a hotel. Despite this initial disappointment, she continued to meet Tom online.She had such a romantic fantasy about Tom, and was such resentment towards her husband, Jody was totally blinded to reality. Her condemnation towards her husband grew worse. No matter what he did, she was ungrateful and could only see what he wasn’t giving her.Ecstasy comes with tragedy, though.After another 18 months of this fantasy virtual relationship, she flew to Germany to meet Tom again. This time she she was convinced he was actually going to turn up! She was ecstatic. Dressed up in her best fur collared coat, elegant stilettos, and Berkin in tow. Jody patiently waited for Tom at the Frankfurt train station. Minutes turned into an hour. Just as she thought he wasn’t coming,again, she saw a scruffy little ugly man walking toward her. He smiled displaying even more discolored teeth than her husband’s. His shoes were scuffed and his jacket a cheap imitation leather. Now what? She was hungry and hoped he would invite her for lunch. Instead he took her for a cup of tea in a disgusting, dirty train station bar. He then offered to take her for lunch and they ended up at some fast-food chain restaurant where, when the bill came, his credit card didn’t work. Long story short, she ended up paying for him, as she’d been paying so often for her husband.Jody had been condemning and resenting her husband for years. She saw only the negative side of him and was totally unaware of his positive side and how he WAS providing for her, assisting and allowing her to raise their family and set up a home the way SHE wanted. She had no idea about universal laws, was expecting only pleasure in life rather than pleasure AND pain, and had a fantasy idea about how life and her husband were supposed to be.What she had condemned in him (being unfaithful), she was doing herself. What she condemned about him – his attire, personal hygiene and financial situation – she attracted in an even worse case!What you condemn, you attract, breed, or become!For years she wasn’t getting the hidden “messages” from the universe. She had been living in a fantasy about how she felt her husband (and her life) should be. In order to break that fantasy, the universe was giving her more and clearer “messages”. At first they were subtle. Because she either wasn’t aware of them or chose not to heed them, they became stronger and stronger until she eventually attracted Tom into her life to wake her up! His teeth were worse than her husband’s as was the way he dressed and his body odor; the fact that Tom had even less money than her husband, were all hidden messages from the universe for her to break her fantasy, appreciate and be grateful for her husband. Luckily she did! As a result her husband began appreciating HER more and she was able to also get rid of the “brain noise” and chaos she’d had going on in her head running her emotions and perceptions for the last several years! She also realized it was her own feelings of disempowerment and the guilt she had towards herself about not earning money, that had caused the above dynamic. She wasn’t appreciating herself and for whom SHE was … but that’s a topic for another story!In the meantime, my questions to you are:
- What fantasy ideas do YOU have about relationships?
- What have these fantasies cost you in YOUR life; in ALL areas of your life?
- When would now be a good time to change all that?