Too strong? I’m a bitch. Too weak? I’m a wallflower.
I wanted my dad’s love and attention.
I wanted to feel safe, seen and understood.
It didn’t go so well…
Dad was an alcoholic.
I became a people pleaser extraordinaire and didn’t know there was such a thing as personal growth until my first marriage was beyond the point of no return. Yet two decades ago, I wanted the quick fix and wasn’t willing to take full responsibility for my part… yet.
So I went from insecure wanting Daddy’s love in the form of a wealthy husband who judged me like his mom judged him… to an inwardly bitter, outwardly positive woman running masculine energy, who was going to MAKE a 2nd marriage happen, given my Disneyland fairytale had dissolved.
Given I didn’t heal to the core and adopted another survival mechanism to find safety by being a control freak… of course this too ended in divorce. And yes, I was the only one in common.
This time I had brought a child into the world. Looking in his eyes I promised to become a woman of confidence, grace and light. Humbled, I was willing to do whatever it took for lasting healing and a healthy long term relationship. Along the way I wobbled… thinking ‘power’ was being a bitch, misunderstanding that being ‘spiritual’ meant being a wallflower.
Bitches on the one hand get shit done. They’re respected yet perhaps not liked. They can take care of themselves and don’t need a man. They’ve mostly lost their softness, see femininity as a weakness, tend to attract ‘nice guys’ who they can boss around and deep inside they don’t trust life. If they don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. They rarely surrender. They crave deep contact. They often have heart attacks, adrenal fatigue and are perfectionists. They’re usually motivated by harsh inner judgment to never let anyone see them sweat. Yet they’re often single… outwardly happy being alone, often soothe their hunger for intimacy with midnight binging, yet inwardly they ache for a healthy noble man to have their back.
Wallflowers have figured out a way to get shit done as well… by getting someone to do it for them, or are they’re OK going without saying ’there must be a reason’. Their disempowered nature attracts savior complex men or women who save the day until they get resentful and annoyed with her. Wallflowers can go with the flow, yet they haven’t developed inner resilience, grit, perseverance and have trouble speaking their truth and having solid healthy boundaries. Deep down, they aren’t sure if left to their own devices, that they could survive, let alone thrive on their own.
So in a similar way to the bitch, they also don’t trust life has their back. Wallflowers sometimes struggle with their weight as well, stuffing their fear and hunger with temporary sweetness. What they TRULY crave is feeling safe in their skin and safe on the planet. They ache to know that they can create a world they desire, connected to their inner Wonder Woman, certain that their voice matters, allowing themselves to take up space, confident that they are wanted by the Universe.
Both behaviors are a natural survival mechanism that developed to handle life circumstances, and both kinds of women are doing their best. I’d say we all have bitch or wallflower tendencies, I certainly do.
AND these identities can actually be beneficial in some circumstances! The bitch speaks up for herself, yes? The wallflower can get along with most people and let things go, right? Yet both are ultimately out of balance and at some level are exhausted and/or aching for more connection.
When it comes to dating and successful relationships, balancing out each behavior from emotional reactions to grounded responses, from hiding or dominating to Presence, or from trying to get safety/success to being a Conscious Being of Choice.
Equilibrating the polarities allows these women to come from their healthiest place and thus attract the healthiest partners which over time keeps the relationship fresh and empowers long term thriving relationship success.
A great place to learn more about imbalanced survival mechanisms and how to heal them quickly in a lasting way so you can attract an emotionally available conscious partner, would be to download the first chapter of my 4th book at www.AllanaPratt.com/7steps. The book is called 7 Steps to Manifest Your Beloved While Staying True to Yourself… for indeed the most important key is having a healthy intimate relationship with yourself first.
Written by Allana on 13 Sept 2019
Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt is a global media personality and go-to authority for those who have suffered heartbreak and are ready to live unapologetically, and attract an open-hearted, ideal relationship.
Her vulnerability and courage landed her a featured weekly column on the GoodMenProject, featured as an Icon of Influence, and as a Guest Expert on Huffington Post, People Magazine, Forbes, CBS & FOX and The Jenny McCarthy Show.
This Ivy League grad is the Author of 4 books, has interviewed Whoopi Goldberg and Alanis Morissette, and Hosts the edgy Podcast “Intimate Conversations” where listeners learn how to find the relationship they deserve. A certified coach, Allana was asked by Leeza Gibbons to coach her during Dancing with the Stars. With close to 5 million viewers on YouTube, Allana supports non profits like ‘Rise of the Butterfly’ to end human trafficking while offering private coaching and retreats so that her clients have a thriving intimate relationship with themselves first, which naturally attracts and enhances their ideal partnerships.
Contact Allana directly at: www.allanapratt.com